Entourage: Ari Gold Quotes

On the TV show "Entourage," Vincent Chase's agent Ari Gold, played by Jeremy Piven, is one the most memorable characters HBO has produced since Tony Soprano. Here are some of his infamous quotes.

	I didn't go to the Lakers game because they were playing the fucking Bobcats... I came here today because I thought this was a session on how my wife could learn to communicate. How to answer a question without a question: basic Humanity 101. Which I thought, given your wall of fucking diplomas, you could easily fix. Or if you couldn't, you could give her a pill that could either fix it or make her a mute. But now to turn around and gang up on me! I have work to do! I have hundreds of clients to deal with. And just so we're clear; I don't care about any of 'em. They're all just a number: Like Wife number 1 and Therapist number 7. Good day!
	You wanna hug it out? Let's hug it out, bitch.
	You want to hire Max Ballard. He's Dakota Fanning with a dick.
	I know. He left 15 messages on the machine. The wife things I'm fucking the gardener.
	What if I told you I had a 22 inch dick? Would that be something that you would be interested in?
	I want every desk to be sterile enough for you to get trained on!
	Hug it out, bitch!
	Listen, Lloyd, I want you to put all my files, folders, binders, *everything* into a box! If you find a used condom, an executioner's mask, and a fucking spike paddle, don't think, just pack that bitch Chop suey!
	Tell Drama he's on the top of my list of things to do today, along with inserting needles in my c*ck!
	You all have one goal today - to get Vincent Chase's brother, Johnny Chase a job - ANY job. I don't care if it's a porn shoot where he is being gang raped by a gaggle of silverback apes, if there are cameras rolling, everyone wins.
	No, I don't. You look like Michelle Kwan in drag!
	Good for you E; I won't even fuck my wife after she plays tennis.
	I'm ready to go, baby. I'm like R. Kelly at recess.
	Oh no. You kidding me? Want me to get Lloyd in here and have him hari-kari you with his pecker?
	You can have it if you want to live in Agora fucking hills, and go to group therapy, but if you want a Beverly Hills mansion, a country club membership, and nine weeks a year in a Tuscan villa, then I'm gonna need to take a call when it comes in at noon on a motherfucking Wednesday.
	You know another class I took at Harvard? Business Ethics. I don't steal other people's mother fucking clients, but in your case I'm going to make an exception. I'm going to take everyone; your B-level sitcom stars, your reality-TV writers, when I'm done with you, you're gonna be repping sideshow freaks. You need Jo-Jo the Dog-Face-Bitch-Boy? Call Josh Weinfuck, the lightweight pen-stealing fuckface.
	I would say let's hug it out but I don't want you drawing wood.
	You know what they feed people on an indi set, Vinne? Nothing! They don't give you a trailer. They tell you to go sit on an apple box. Ever try to bang an extra on an apple box?
	He will sue you - he'll take everything you have - he'll take the house, the cars, maybe even Turtle.
	Now how ‘bout a quick blowjob before my Vince dinner
	Tell Drama he's on the top of my list of things to do today, along with inserting needles in my cock!
	Silence is fucking golden.
	You shitty dime-store therapist. A man's life is on the line here, and all you give a fuck about is beating some stupid club record that will do what for you? Give you five minutes of pleasure while you fuck your unpaid emasculated husband tonight? How the fuck does he afford this place anyway? Isn't he a guidance counselor at a high school?
	Great work, Rob. Great work. See if you can read this: [Writing on dry-erase board] Get the fuck out! You're fired, and in case your ears are fucked, Get. The Fuck. Out! And the next person I see juggling, tap dancing, or baton twirling or doing any other circus-like tricks, will join him, all right? One-strike policy applies. Now get back to work. God damn that felt good.
	Smoke more Weed Turtle, Seriously, smoke more weed.
	I wanna fuck Angelina Jolie. The only difference is, I might actually have a shot.
	Come on! I'm like R. Kelly at recess here!
	You know 'The Station Agent,' Eric? Monster hit at Sundance. It's about the midget who lives by the train tracks. Last time I saw him he was in a FedEx commercial. They were overnighting him to London. Sundance is a great festival for little people. You should kill over there.
	You like Gaysian Lloyd? He's cute, right? And he covers two quotas.
	Fuck the phones, Lloyd! Unless Carmen Electra calls for an emergency titty-fuck, don’t answer!
	It's like high school. You can't fuck the prom queen until she finds out her best friend jerked you off underneath the bleachers!
	I knew you liked dick, Babs, but i didn't realize you were a cocksucker!
	There you go, baby -- Men at Work, the land down under...We're gonna get drunk with Russell Crowe, and we're gonna headbutt some goddamn kangaroos.
	f I were to cheat on my wife it’d be with a busty blonde or, you know, an Asian with pointy nipples.
	Walsh is your boy. You gave him final cut, even though I begged you not to. Now you have to live with it. Or kill him. Actually, that’s a good idea. Kill him, then kill yourself. Could you imagine the outpouring of love and sympathy when Vince loses both of you. I could have him back on top in three months.
	No, I don’t tell you what I like. My old assistant is supposed to tell you what I like, and then he is supposed to seamlessly train you so that the only change in my life comes when I have to write out a Christmas bonus. Get out of here, Glen. Anywhere but here, or I will kill you. I only want Lloyd and I will get him myself.
	No questions, Lloyd. Not until you stop dressing like Paula Poundstone.
	I teach my son to never let people just take things from him. It’s my Israeli blood.
	When a director falls for an actor on set, all bets are off. When he doesn’t get her, bet you have a problem. When someone else gets her, bet the house.
	They shot ‘King Kong’ in New Zealand but that monkey still climbed the Empire State Building.
	A prince, an arms dealer, a coke dealer — who knows? What I do know is $60 million to him is like lunch at the Ivy to you and me. That’s me and Vince, not you and me, E. Impressive, huh?
	Lloyd you're not my mistress, quit acting like you are!
	Does that sound like my wife, Lloyd?
	What’s the matter Lloyd? You and Tom like to listen to my voice while you dildo each other?
	Well Yair, we’re sorry, but we’re here to sell to Americans, so that people can see it in the States, not in the Arab Emirates.
	Big balls for a little man, I love it. Let’s call Nicky and see if he’s got ‘m as well.
	Same way I knew you’re father was banging his secretary before everyone in town did; instinct!
	I was full of shit when I told you I had a condom at Live Aid.
	Vinnie, when you get married you realize that a wife is like a herpes source. She comes and goes when and where she pleases.
	Wow, after 5 years you finally learned to lie. Welcome to Hollywood!
	Please. Come on! We’re at code red everytime the president has a loose stool.
	You know what Lloyd? I’m in the middle of a code red alert. I got military police everywhere, Germand shepherds ready to attack at a moments notice, I’m facing three hour delays and an uncertain, unsafe future. So get off my ass and go get my wife some favorite flowers!
	Listen, have a great time, wear a life vest because the only bobbing you should be doing is on Tom’s cock.
	Well, we need him ’cause maybe that neurotic little elf nipping at your heels will make you understand that we are in a major crisis situation here!
	Weird, I used to push-up on Dana Gordon like this. True story.