Lying on Dr. Twitter's Couch

At a quick glance there are currently 7 tweets out of my 50 most recent that is either a pity-begging complaint about one's life or hidden stab at an unnamed "friend."

Why is it people insist on lying on this social couch and spilling their guts to an audience of strangers who don't care? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Just as we don't care what you ate for dinner or what time you woke up this morning, we also do not care that your boyfriend is a douche and your girlfriend is a slut. I know you are reaching for someone or something to pity you. I understand you're upset and lonely. But pick up the phone and call your family or text your friend.

And posting something for the sole purpose of making your ex jealous is awfully immature. Not there's anything wrong with that.

Thesaurus Accomplished Negative Manufactured You Brainier

The thesaurus does not make you smarter.

Trust me. I know big words sound smart. But you sound more dumb now than you did before.

If you don't believe me - here are those last 3 sentences with thesaurus replacements:

Conviction me. I distinguish considerable terminology reverberate intellectual. Excluding you resonate supplementary stupid currently than you did formerly.


Agree now?

Separating Fantasy Football from Fandumb Football

Every year I go into my California Penal fantasy football league draft saying I will not pick from the heart - and every year I end up with 6 players from the great state of New York and 2 Cleveland Browns.

But this year was different. After years of watching the most clueless football "fans" finish in the top 3 every year with nothing but a magazine or spreadsheet, I too decided to go by the book. And boy did it pay off. I might as well have been on auto-pick but I ended up with a stud team and the second highest projected points for the first week's games.

Now there is no telling how the rest of the season will turn out - with injuries and sleepers inevitable - but I have done my job, and finally, for the first time in 9 years, separated fantasy from fan-dumb.

whatchya readin?

Whatever it is, it's probably not an actual printed book with paper pages and black ink.

Today, over 20 million people own e-readers and another 25 million own tablets with e-reader apps. That's a lot of eyeballs still interested in reading. Good news for our nation. Good news for the publishing industry. And good news for the rain forest. Bad news for the print industry.

But there is still hope. Many "ole-fashioned" people still enjoy flipping the crisp pages of a book. And even I, an over-indulgent technophile, love the smell of the dusty worn paper. But I may never pick up a hardback again. And yet, right there on the end table on the flip side of my bed sits a pink cover with 300 pages inside. She has an iPad sitting right there in the living room but won't touch that iBook or Kindle app. Why? Where is the line? And what drives an avid reader to e? I'll let you know if she ever does.

That's a Good Point Bear, Let's Try That

The funniest show on TV right now has got to be "How I Met Your Mother." It is right in my wheelhouse, with well-developed gen-Y characters, brilliant scripts, and talented actors. It's also, like "Seinfeld" for those one-generation older, regularly on topic with something I can relate to: the Super Bowl, the best burger in town, blind dates, and Star Wars. It is constantly referencing Star Wars. And my favorite episode that does so has to be one where Ted's new girlfriend finally admits that Star Wars is stupid:

"It's so stupid," Stella told Marshall. "I mean, first of all, how do they understand that walking bear they hang out with all the time?"

"Wookie," Marshall said, sadly.

"Yeah," she said. "He goes, 'Hmmmm,' (doing her best Chewbacca impression), and they're all, like, 'that's a good point, bear! Let's try that.'"

Now don't me wrong, I geek out as much as anyone when the opening crawl rolls, but she has a point. How does Han Solo possibly understand what Chewbacca is saying? It's like me understanding the moans, grunts, growls and barks of my dog. Even the nerdiest dweebs must admit this major flaw in the story. Though I am prepared for the rebuttal.

#WelcomeToTwitter Trick

I just stumbled upon a nifty little Twitter trick for all those marketers out there running multiple Twitter accounts in the same field or industry. You can now create a list of similar Twitter accounts and include #welcometotwitter in the description, and then when someone follows you they will also be recommended to follow the other accounts in your #welcometotwitter list. This is particularly helpful to help you grow a fledgling account if you have a similar account that is more mature and popular.

Watch-by-Thirty Bucket List: Top 30 movies 30-year-olds should've seen

So why haven't you seen this films?

If you're a millennial you were likely alive when these movies were in theaters. And you've also had a chance to rent them on VHS, DVD, HD DVD and Blu-ray. So you are out of excuses.

If you are 30-years-old go rent or buy these films today! You won't be dissappointed. If you're a millenial but not 30 yet, you have between 1 and 19 years to finish this watch-by-thirty bucket list:

1. Léon: The Professional (1994)
2. Spirited Away (2001)
3. District 9 (2009)
4. Cinema Paradiso (1988)
5. The Pianist (2002)
6. Downfall (2004)
7. Pan's Labyrinth (2006)
8. Into the Wild (2007)
9. Amadeus (1984)
10. The Cove (2009)
11. Oldboy (2003)
12. In Bruges (2008)
13. Unforgiven (1992)
14. Princess Mononoke (1997)
15. City Of God (2002)
16. Life is Beautiful (1997)
17. The Lives of Others (2006)
18. Grave of the Fireflies (1988)
19. Amelie (2001)
20. My Neighbor Totoro (1988)
21. The Celebration (1998)
22. Howl's Moving Castle (2004)
23. Mary and Max (2009)
24. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (2007)
25. Infernal Affairs (2002)
26. Red (Three Colors Trilogy) (1994)
27. Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter... and Spring (2003)
28. Castle in the Sky (1986)
29. Amores Perros (2000)
30. The Secret in Their Eyes (2009)

Marketing Meets Minority Report

As I marketer, I found myself watching "Minority Report" the other day wishing marketing was capable of the advertisements Steven Spielberg, Philip Dick, and Scott Frank dreamed up in their futuristic world. Imagine what we could do with the hyper-personalized messages to passers-by in the airport or at the mall. ROIs would multiply ten-fold. And all the guessing that comes with audience, location, and interest would disappear. There is hope. The at-the-time unimaginable motion-controlled technology in the film is now widely available for a few hundred dollars with Microsoft's Kinect. I just hope I am lucky enough to be the marketer and not the marketee when it happens.

#howfamousareyou?

Twenty years ago the only way to tell how famous you were was if you were recognized on the street. Ten years ago you would estimate it by the number of Google search results for your name. Three years ago your popularity could be directly correlated to the number of friends you had on Facebook. Now there is a true test. Twitter, and your number of followers, is now the ultimate ruler to measure fame. And like anything, there are ways to cheat the system, but the"hanging chad" here can be removed with a simple formula: Followers / Following = Fame.

If you flunked algebra, try these:

• Klout
• Tweetreach
• Twitalyzer
• Booshaka
• Peerindex

Spare Parts is The Island

Ever since college I have spent my weekday-daytime-TV-watching hours on one channel, TBS. It airs all my favorite shows from my younger years: Home Improvement, Saved by the Bell, Seinfeld, King of Queens, Friends, Everybody Loves Raymond, and Yes, Dear. The other day I saw an episode of the latter that I had never seen before (a rarity). It was an episode of "Yes, Dear" where Jimmy pitches his movie idea to Greg's boss Mr. Savitsky. Greg was reluctant to help his friend, assuming it would be terrible, but he was wrong. It was a fantastic plot with well-developed characters, a little romance, just enough action, and the perfect twist. But Mr. Savitsky passes on his futuristic sci-fi romantic action-adventure called "Spare Parts." Hollywood did not. Two years later, Michael Bay basically made his movie where clones are harvested for organ transplants and the male character falls in love with a clone. He called it "The Island."