Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Top 10 Ways to Win an America's Vote Talent Show

Most Americans already know all of this, you just don't know it. Since the influx of reality TV 10 years ago, we have all been instinctively brainwashed with these ten tips that could easily win you "American Idol" or "America's Got Talent" or whatever show you need votes from the American audience to win.

1. When the camera zooms in on you at the end of your act and the host comes out to ask you questions, hold up the number of fingers that correlates to the phone number (or text message) they need to call.
2. Make sure you answer the questions with a balance of wit, charm, intelligence and don't forget the tears.
3. In the promo videos the producers shoot for you to show before your act, find the sappiest, down-to-earth, heartwarming story you can that will wet every cheek in the audience and at home.
4. Don't be afraid to give hell to the guy in the far left judges seat (Simon or Piers or whoever fits the mold) when he rips your act apart and hears boo from the crowd (though he usually is the only one qualified to be making any judgments out of the three).
5. If you are singing, no need to write your own lyrics (since no one in the biz today does either), just choose any song from the top 10 charts from any year that fits your genre.
6. If you are a guy, don't be afraid to take your shirt off and flex those abs... if you are a girl, don't be afraid to take your shirt off either (or at least wear something skanky).
7. The younger you are, the better - talent plus pre-puberty is what America is most impressed with - so if you can, lie about your age.
8. Any drama (breaking up with boyfriends, wives giving birth, dads on deathbeds, etc.) you can create during the audition phase is a plus, the TV cameras will be drawn to it like Michael Jackson to daycare, and the more TV exposure the better.
9. Don't forget where you came from, or at least don't let America realize you have.
10. If you are a guy, flirt with the judge in the middle seat (if its Paula and you're daring, you can even sleep with her)... if you are a girl, flirt with the guy in the far right judges seat (remember, whichever hand makes an L when you stick out your thumbs is the left).

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